Are You Being Too Picky?

Are You Being Too Picky?

Let’s talk about something that doesn’t get brought up enough in Catholic circles: sometimes, we’re a little too picky when it comes to dating.

Now, let’s be clear— having standards is good. In fact, it’s necessary. You’re not called to settle for someone who doesn’t respect you, who treats the faith like a checkbox, or who lacks basic emotional maturity. Those are real, non-negotiable things.

But sometimes, in the name of “discernment” or “waiting on God’s best,” we accidentally close ourselves off from good, holy possibilities — because they didn’t look exactly like what we imagined.

The Pressure We Put on Dating

Catholics tend to put a lot of pressure on dating. And it makes sense — we’re not dating just for fun, we’re dating with intention. We’re thinking about marriage, family, vocation, heaven.

But when you treat every coffee date like a potential canonization cause, it’s easy to feel paralyzed. Every interaction becomes a test. Every flaw feels like a red flag. And suddenly, no one is “good enough,” because you’ve raised the bar so high that even St. Joseph might not make the cut.

Here’s the truth: dating doesn’t have to be that heavy. It can be simple. And even joyful. The goal of a first date is not to find your spouse — it’s to get to know a person. That’s it. That’s all.

Some Things That Aren’t Red Flags

Let’s be honest: a lot of what we rule people out for isn’t about virtue or values — it’s about preference. “He’s nice, but a little too quiet.” “She loves the Lord, but I don’t know… she’s not super into hiking.” These things might matter long-term, sure— but often we’re making these judgments before we’ve given someone a real chance.

There’s nothing wrong with being drawn to certain qualities, but it’s good to ask: am I open to getting to know someone who’s different from what I pictured? Am I looking for someone who’s growing — or someone who’s already arrived?

Spoiler: None of us have “arrived.”

What Actually Matters

Here are a few better questions to ask:

• Do they love Jesus and take their faith seriously?
  
  
  

• Are they trying to grow in virtue, even if it’s imperfectly?
  
  
  

• Can you have a genuine, respectful conversation with them?
  
  
  

• Do you feel safe, seen, and heard?
  
  
  

That’s a really solid foundation. The rest — chemistry, common interests, shared goals — can grow. (And if they don’t, that’s okay too! Not every date needs to lead to something.)

Dating Is Allowed to Be... Normal

Let’s take a deep breath together: it’s okay to just go on a date. You don’t need to know where it’s going. You don’t need to see a wedding day in your head. You don’t even need to be “sure.” You’re allowed to just meet someone, enjoy their company, and see what happens.

If you feel peace and curiosity—not pressure and fear—that’s a good sign.

Sometimes God’s plan for us is quieter than we expected. Sometimes it comes with awkward silences and slow starts and small steps. But it’s still His plan. And it’s still good.

An Invitation

Marriage is a beautiful vocation, but it starts in the very ordinary space of getting to know another person. Not a perfect person. A real one.

So here’s your invitation: Be open. Be generous. Be willing to be surprised.

You might not find “the one” right away — but you might find someone who makes you laugh, who shares your love for the Eucharist, and who’s willing to grow with you toward heaven. And that’s more than enough to start with.

You don’t have to force it. But you do have to show up.

Take a deep breath. Go on the date. Be yourself. Trust God.